GUILT 2

It was almost a year that Rahul was in prison. He used to feel guilty for what he had done. He was ashamed and was dying day by day. 

He had such a beautiful life. Due to his own mistake, he was imprisoned. In a jail, he didn’t prefer speaking with any person. Not only that, he loved to sit alone and preferred reading books.  He used to get lost in his own world. His eyes were full of guilt.

In a prison, he was dominated by Sachin. He never preferred speaking with him. Whenever, he used to sit in the chair, Sachin used to pull the chair. Not only that, he used to throw the food of Rahul. Although, this was continuing for many days, Rahul didn’t prefer arguing with him.

People were amazed why Rahul was not arguing with him and went against him. They were interested to know about Rahul because he was different type of person. As everyone knew about each other but didn’t know about Rahul.

It was fine evening. Everyone in the jail were chatting and laughing. Although, Rahul was reading book of Amish Tripathi, he was listening to other and was smiling. Everyone was amazed when he smiled. No one has seen him smiling.

Meanwhile, Aamir went near to him. Aamir was only the person with Rahul used to talk but never shared any personal matter.

“Rahul, it has been almost a year, you are in a jail. Most of the people do come in the jail for the crimes they do. But some are trapped without crimes. All of us have the story but we don’t know about you. You don’t speak that much neither you laugh. You prefer reading and remain silent. Whenever, we see you, you are lost somewhere else. Your eyes show that you are feeling guilty for something.

Not only this, whenever Sachin torture by activities, you remain silent. You never poke back. You never show your anger. What’s the matter?”

Rahul got up and reached to the wall. He was facing towards the wall. He was looking at the wall. Tears were rolling from his eyes.

 Meanwhile, Aamir went near to him and said, “Hey, what happen? What did you remember?”

Sachin looked at him and said, “Life is so strange. What we think that doesn’t happen and what we don’t have thought of that happens.”

Everyone was looking at each other. They were not getting what Rahul was telling. Meanwhile, Sachin said, “Whatever, you are saying we are not getting.”

“I have done a bitter crime that nobody has done. I feel guilty for doing such a crime. Nobody should have done such a crime.”

I

“Welcome to the college of Engineering. We are glad that you have joined our college. We hope you guys will enjoy the college.  As there are many colleges, you guys will not feel guilty for choosing this college. Moreover, our college has friendly environment and teachers and administration will cooperate you guys,” said Prahalad Subedi, the Principal of Kathmandu Engineering College.

The Principal was providing information about the college. Meanwhile, I was feeling bore. Boredom was killing. I was listening here and there.  I was not focused on the lecture. When I was looking here and there, I saw one girl at the same row. She too seemed bore and was looking here and there. Then, our eyes met. When she saw me, she pretended to smile and I did the same. I didn’t know whether she was new or senior.

Next day of orientation, I was at the college.  It was the first day in Master’s Degree. I was excited as it was new environment with new friend. Although, I was excited, it took me time for adjust in new environment. 

At the beginning, there weren’t any friends that I talked with.  I never saw a girl who I saw on the orientation. I was curious to meet a girl. I don’t know what has happened to me when I saw her.

 

After one week, one guy came near to me and said, “Can I sit with you?”

I agreed and we got introduced with each other. Mohit Sharma who came from Pokhara became good friend of mine. We often used to gather and have fun. We used to share each and everything with each other.

Mohit knew about my crush. He was the one who provided me the information about my crush. From him, I knew that she was my senior and was in third semester. The further information was that she was topper. Not only topper, she was involved in each and every activities of the college. Her name was Sneha.

After two months, while entering in the college gate, Sneha and I frequently met. There was different connection between us. Whenever, she came near to me, I felt that I was lost and nervous. I couldn’t even say hi to her.

II

I was preparing for my exam. I was studying at the college’s library. Meanwhile, I saw her entering the library.  I was observing her. She was looking for the books. After few minutes, she came with a book and sat on the corner of the bench.

I wanted to go near and speak out. On one hand, I was fear and on the other hand, I really wanted to speak with her. I was in dilemma. Finally, I went near to her and said, “Hi.”

She gave a look and responded back. She was focus on her study. She was concentrated on the book rather than me.

“How much she wanted to study?”  This thought came in my mind. I was confused whether to distract her or not. I looked at her and felt not to distract so I was also concentrated on the books.

After one week, she was in the library. I went near to her and said hi. She responded. “I am Rahul Shrestha. I am in 1^st Semester.”

She smiled but no response. I said again. “Actually, I heard you are intelligent and smart girl.”

I was scared with her weird looks. She closed her books and said, “You came near to me because you heard about me.”

I didn’t have answer. I mean I was bewildered want to say. “Actually, I came near to you because I needed your help. I was confused about electronic engineering. I want you to help me with the study.”

“Why do you need my help?”

“Because you are senior and have a beautiful mind. Beauty with brain.”

She was looking at me. I too was looking at her. Meanwhile, I said, “Hi. I am Rahul Shrestha. Can we be friends?” I gave my hands towards her.

She smiled and said, “Hi. I am Sneha Sharma. About friendship, let’s think later but I like your attitude.”

We both smile. After this meeting, my life was changed forever and didn’t know that I could change drastically. I was not normal after this conversation.

III

 We often met at library. Due to her, I passed 1^st Semester, I got four As. I was focus and became studious. Whenever, I was with her, I felt different.  I felt in love with her. I didn’t know what she felt for me. I was confused whether she loved me or not. Sometimes, I used to think that loves me.

It was 6^th July, 2015. The time showed 5:30 am. I gave a ring in her mobile. After two ringtone, she picked up the phone.

“Hi, Rahul.”

“Hi. Good Morning.”

“How are you?”

“Good and you?”

“Me too good.”

We both were in silent. More than her, I was silent. I forgot what I was about to say when I heard her voice. Furthermore, she said, “Hello? Hello? Are you there? “

“Huh?” I came in the reality.

“Yes, I want you to meet me today after the college.”

“Why? Cannot you tell me after the class?”

“There is something else.”

“OK.”

“Thanks.”

I hung up with the phone. I was please to meet her after the college. I was curious and excited as well as restless for her response.

It was already 12:30 pm. We were at Kathmandu Fun Park sitting at the bench. I was looking at the train where people were taking photos.

“Rahul, what were you supposed to tell me?”

“Actually…..”

“ What actually?”

“Actually, I am in love.”

“Really?”  She was surprised as well as contented.

“I am glad that you are in love. Who is that lucky girl?”

“The girl who is with me right now.”

She was shocked and she questioned “What? I am your friend only. I considered you as a friend. How you could think that?”

“I love you, Sneha. I thought you also have feelings for me. I thought you could say yes to my love.”

We both were standing. She was upset and she turned back. She explained me.“Rahul, I don’t love you. If I have spoken with you in a decent way that doesn’t mean I am in love with you. Furthermore, I have a boyfriend. You will get nice girlfriend. You are gracious person.”

I was annoyed. I couldn’t accept that she was saying no to love. I was depressed. My ego was hurt. I couldn’t accept the reality.

She left the place and I was speechless. I had no mood to go back home. I was at the park whole day and retuned back at the night time.

Due to the rejection, I was at home all the time. I locked myself in the room. I was lost in my world. How happy I was when Sneha was with me. Now, I am in sorrowful. Whenever, I remember her, tears fell from eyes. Moreover, I wanted to kill her boyfriend and make her mine. I became obsessed towards her.

IV

After three months, I attended the college. Mohit was delighted to see me as well as he was interested to know why I was not attending the class. I didn’t prefer speaking with him. 

We both were having tea, we both were drinking tea. Then, he said, “Hey, bro. What had happened to you? You have changed a lot.  You look skinny. Moreover, you have stopped speaking. You even didn’t receive my phone calls. I thought you left the college. What has happened to you? Why are you so depressed? What’s wrong with you?”

I kept the glass in the table angrily and said, “Why are you interested to know about my life? Are you my parents? Who are you?? Why don’t you leave me alone?”

I got up angrily and left the canteen.

V

I started following Sneha. I started to gather information about her; the place where she visits and whom she meets. I started taking photos of hers and started making plans.

Honestly, after proposing her, I haven’t met her. Although, I wanted to speak with her, my ego used to come in between. Rejection was the main reason.

After a week, I was in the college’s library. I was waiting for Sneha when she shall come. Finally, my wait was over. She came. I hide my face with a book. She was studying. She was alone. Although, it was good opportunity to talk, I didn’t grab the opportunity.

After one hour, she left a place for a while. When she left the place, I kept the note in her notebook and I left the place. When I left, she went in the library. I saw her going. So, I followed her. She opened her notebook and saw my note and started reading it.

“Sorry for hurting you. I am feeling guilty by hurting you. I have lost a good friend. After losing a friend, I realized my mistake. I should have understood you. Sorry, for misunderstanding you. Please, forgive me.”

                                                                                                -Rahul Shrestha

“Such a childish,” she thought and kept the note in the table. And she was focus on her study. He was focusing her. When he didn’t see her reaction, he got furious.

The next day, he was waiting for her in the library. When she came, he went near to her and said,” Hi. How are you?”

She gave a fake smile and responded back. “Won’t you ask me to sit?”

“Don’t be silly and childish.” She was not looking but focusing on the books, as the exam was near.

“Sorry. I am extremely sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“Please, stop this rubbish and don’t be childish. Grow up Rahul. When I rejected you, it doesn’t mean that you should stop behaving like normal. If somebody rejects anyone, it doesn’t mean you should look like a devdas to get your love back. That close was close that day.

On the next day, you could have behaved normally. But what was the result? You didn’t attend any lectures. Your ego might have hurt. Cannot you accept the rejection and reality? What does ‘No’ mean? You cannot get everything you want.

After proposal, you didn’t arrive at college and I don’t know who spread about the proposal. I was the target. I was made fun. Have you thought of other’s reputation? If you behaved normally, we would be good friends but you were immature. I didn’t know you were so immature. Thank God, my boyfriend understood everything.

Now, please leave me alone. As you have lost the good relationship between us, I don’t want to say anything.”

I didn’t prefer to say anything and left the place.

VI

The exam was over. I knew my exam was the worst. I didn’t prepare that much as I was focus on Sneha. I don’t why was I behaving like crazy lover? I wanted her only her in any cost.

It was fine evening and the day was Friday. I was in Chapali Height in Sunrise Flat. I was in 3^rd Flat room no.350. After one hour, I said, “Hi, Guys.”

I was sitting in the sofa. They both were shocked especially Sneha. They were in the physical relationship. She covered her body. They both were rushed to wear their clothes.

“You here? How come?”

“I was following you since a month and knew about this flat.”

“You know that I have become crazy about you. When you rejected me, my ego was hurt. I became more obsessed with you. I wanted to make you mine in any cost. So, my first plan was to seek forgiveness from you. But you didn’t forgive me.”

She had no words to say anything. Although, she wanted to say something, she couldn’t find any words to say. Meanwhile, guy said, “Why are you here?”

“To get Sneha. I want to make her mine.”

“You won’t get her.”

I smiled. “If I didn’t get her, I will upload videos of you two.”

“Videos, what videos and which videos?” Both said.

I showed them all videos of them having physical relationship. “Please, delete those videos. Please.” Sneha demanded.

“No, I won’t delete those videos until, you won’t be mine.”

“No, I won’t be yours.”

“Then, I will upload those videos.”

There was argument between three of us and I took out the gun and killed him. There was blood in the ground. She went near to the body and cried a lot. Later, she came near to me and was about to slap me but I stopped her. And then, I raped her.

Most of the time, I used to rape her and blackmailed her. One day, she didn’t come to meet in the hotel and I kept all of the videos of her in the social media and photos too. Due to this reason, she committed suicide by jumping from the flat where her boyfriend was killed. She had mentioned about the incidents and mentioned my name.

I was arrested. Even I confessed my crime.

---------------------------*------------------------------------------------*-------------------------

Everyone was listening to Rahul’s story. There were tears in his eyes. “To get love, I did a blunder mistake. Love makes people congenial. In case of mine, to get love, I destroyed Sneha’s life. I didn’t think twice. I was obsessed to get her, My ego washurt. I became animal.

I feel guilty now for doing such a crime. Remaining days, I will try to remain as good as possible. One lesson that I learn was to accept what comes in your life. Never imposed what you want. It will destroy your life. Due to my crime, I am suffering and will suffer till my life.”