IN SEARCH OF ANSWER

It was 3rd July 2015, Friday. The clock showed the time of 10:30 pm.  I was at one of the bars of Virginia. I was sitting on the corner side and drinking a glass of whiskey. People in the bar were enjoying and having fun. They were dancing and were lost in their own world. But in the context of me, I was lost in the memory of someone.  After some glasses of whiskey, I went outside the bar.

Although the weather was pleasant with beautiful air, my heart was not pleasant, I was feeling lonely. I felt like I was left alone. Honestly, when Merina left Nepal, I felt like I am not in this world. My world has gone. I arrived in America in the shake of Merina. I don't know where she lives in Virginia. I was searching for her in Virginia because I have tons of inquiries in my heart that Merina can only response. I was lost in her memory and my past.

I

The year was 2013. I had started working at NGO which was of Human Rights. While working, I met Merina Shakya. After two weeks of joining the office, I got an opportunity to meet her. In the beginning, I never believed at the first sight. I used to think that how people can fall in love at the first sight. But when I fell in love at first sight, I started believing in it. When I saw her, I felt that she looked like Bollywood Actress Aishwarya Rai. Not only me, everyone in the office used to call her Aishwarya.

At the beginning of the office, I used to look serious. The environment was new so I was serious. But when I became familiar with the environment, I started cracking jokes with everyone but often I used to crack jokes with Merina.

We were in the same cabin. Most of the time, I often used to tease her. The way I used to crack jokes with her, she never liked it. Whereas, one of the colleagues used to crack jokes which were mostly lame jokes. She often used to talk like North and South poles. They were different.

When we were in the same cabin, I thought it was an opportunity to convey my feelings and thoughts. But one day, while I was working, she came nearby me and said, "Aneetjee."

"Yes."

"I want to talk with you."

"Sure."

I have told Merina that not to say jee but she never agreed to call with my name. Meanwhile, she said,"Aneetjee, I don't like the way you joke. I get offended. I have already told you that I don't like the way you joke but you are going on. I get irritated by you. Why don't you understand? Why are you after me? Please, onwards, don't joke with me.  It's my request."

She left and started working. I had no words to tell.  I was like a statue. My eyes were full of tears. Before I could propose her, my love story ended. It was over before it started.

II

It had been two months, we hadn't spoken. When we were near, she never preferred to speak with me.  Although she used to talk with other colleagues, she never spoke with me. I wanted to speak with her but wasn't getting an opportunity to speak.

One day, I planned to speak with her. So, I send her an SMS. "I know that I have hurt you. My intention was not to hurt you. I wanted to be your good friend. To be honest with you, I started liking you. I wanted to be close with you. Whenever I used to speak with you, I felt light-hearted and in a good mood. So, please, forgive me if I have hurt you anytime. "

I was anxious after sending her message. I was waiting for her response. I wanted her friendship and her beautiful smile. I was alarmed by what will be her reaction.

III

With the tension, I reached office. Until the whole day, she didn't respond to my message. She didn't prefer looking at my face. This continued for a few months. When there was no conversation between us, I started becoming abnormal and I was curious. I was trying hard to speak with her but it was hard for her. Without speaking, time was passing.

The month of December 2013 arrived. Merina got the visa for America. When I heard about it, I couldn't handle myself. I was saddened. I thought I lost an opportunity to speak with her.

  

Although I congratulated her, I was not happy. My mood was spoiled by the news.  At the end of December, she left Nepal.

There were tons of inquiries on my mind. I wanted to know what's on her mind. Till now, she hadn't responded to my proposal.  That's why I arrived in America. I was in search of her. I was waiting for the right time.

IV

I was again in the bar in Virginia. In my mind, I was thinking how to meet Merina. I was drinking beer and was lost in my own thought. Meanwhile, one person came near to me and said, "Can I sit here?"

I agreed. He ordered beer. He smiled at me. He gave a look at me and said, "For how long are you staying in America?"

"Three months." I didn't prefer to have two-way communication. I was in my world. He was observing me. I didn't know why he was observing me so deeply. Then, she said, "Can I know your name?"

"Aneet Dahal."

"I am Smrik Shrestha."

For a second, I was shocked. He was a popular writer. He was one of my favourite writers. I was in my world that I didn't bother to see his face. And later, we shook our hands.

"I didn't notice that my favourite writer is in front of me.”

"Thank You."

The environment became silent. I kept the beer in the table but he was drinking his beer. After drinking a few sips of beer, he said, “I was observing you. You look serious. It seems you have lost your smile. Your eyes show that you are searching for an answer."

When he said those words, my eyes were filled with tears.  Afterward, I started narrating my story.

"It seemed you loved her deeply like a crazy. Why didn't you ask yourself to Merina about your inquiries? Recently, you have found her college address. You can know her thoughts. Be courageous and talk to her. Until and unless you talk, you don't feel relief."

“I didn’t have that much courage. You can say that I didn’t have that much courage. Although I tried a lot while I was in Nepal, somehow I was startled.”

“If you get an answer in negative, what will you do?”

“I will return back to Nepal.”

“I found you like the crazy lover of Hindi movies.”

“Yes, I am crazy but in the name of craziness, I don’t prefer crossing the limits.”

Smrik remained silent after listening to my words. I insisted on him to help me. In the beginning, he didn’t accept my proposal but I forced him to help me and finally, he accepted to help me.

V

July 30, 2014. It was Thursday. I reached earlier than Smrik. I was waiting for him at the library of the University of Virginia. We were here to make my love story successful. I was lost in the world of Merina. Meanwhile, Smrik slapped me. Then, I came to reality.

“Where are you lost? I am talking to you.”

“I was lost in the world of Merina that’s why I didn’t know at what time you came.”

Today, Smrik was feeling awkward. He wanted to say something. So, I said, “Do you want to say something?”

“Yes. Honestly, I cannot help out. Sorry, Aneetjee. It’s better if you talk yourself. I am not interested in your love story. For your happiness at that moment, I said yes. I hope you will talk with Merinajee. Sorry for upsetting you. Hope you will not be furious with me.”

I was in the hope that he shall help me. Somehow I was hurt. Although he said not to be upset and angry, I was furious. Then, I said, “If you didn’t want to help me, why didn’t you say no at that moment. Why did you agree with me? You said not to be furious and angry; I am in the aggressive mood now.”

The environment was silent for a moment. Smrik was curious what to say further. He was observing me and said, “You were sticking at the same point. You didn’t give me an opportunity to speak. Rather than your story, you are stubborn. That’s why Merinajee didn’t the response you. It’s better if you talk. I am sorry that I cannot help you.” And he left the place. I was accepting him to help me. In the end, I decided to deal with myself.

VI

I started following Merina almost for a week. I was remembering the daily routine of Merina. August 2, 2014, 13:00 pm. I was at the restaurant where Merina was working. My eyes were searching Merina. Meanwhile, I saw one young girl coming near to me. In the beginning, I thought she was Merina but she wasn’t. She took my order. I ordered black coffee. I was in rush to have a conversation. I was waiting. I waited till 15:30 pm. For a while, I thought she didn’t come to a work. So, I paid the bill and was about to leave the place. Then, I saw Merina with her friend and was waving her friends. When she was alone, I went near to her. She was shocked as well as speechless. Her expression too was changed.

“You here?” she said with a shocked expression.

“Yes, I need to talk with her so let’s sit and talk. We were silent. She wasn’t focusing. She was looking at the surrounding. But I was focusing and looking at her. Her expression showed that she wasn’t interested to have a conversation.

After a few minutes, we ordered two cups of black coffee. I determined to speak with her and said, “To be honest, I came to America to meet you. I have loads of inquiries on my mind.”

She was in dilemma what I was talking about. “Inquiries? About what? Still, you have a habit of doing pranks. What kind of prank is it?”

Most of the time, she used to think that I cracked jokes but this time I was serious. I don’t know why she used to think that I joke often. This made me annoyed. In anger, I said, “Why do you often take my words and behavior lightly? Today, I am not in the mood of jokes. I am not a laughingstock every time.”

“You are the person who most of the time crack jokes. I cannot trust you easily that you can be serious and committed.”

Again, I remained mute. At the moment, I felt like she shall not give my answer. But also I said, “Look Merina, I have already said that I came to America just for you. To say the truth, I still l Love You. While in Nepal, I have mentioned it but you didn’t respond.  I know you didn’t like the behavior but everyone has their weakness. Weakness can be improved.

When you stopped talking to me, I have a changed a lot. I have stopped behaving like a childish. I was not in a good mood when you stopped talking to me. I was upset with myself. I needed your friendship. I felt bad for hurting you. I know that I am not fit for the forgiveness. There was guilt in my heart and I wanted to share my thoughts with you. I was impatient. I needed an answer so, I arrived in America.”

After listening to me, she said, “I was angry the way you behaved. When you proposed to me, I didn’t think in response to your answer. I didn’t think you in another way. That’s the different matter that you liked me but you were childish. I preferred making you my neither friend nor enemy. Love and friendship should come from the bottom of the heart. If I have to analyze you, you came in my life for a moment. That’s why I don’t think that much about you. I am happy in my life. You should also be hay in your life too. Move ahead. You will get better than me. You should learn from your past and mistakes. If you stick to one thing, you won’t go ahead.”

After she finished her saying, she gave a look at me. I was speechless. I had no words to say. I wasn’t accepting the negative response. I felt like I was a bad guy. She left the place. I was looking at her. Although I got my response, I didn’t get my love. I had truly loved Merina. I decided to return back to Nepal. While coming to America, I came alone and while returning back, I was alone. I was accepting that I could go with Merina but it didn’t happen in the reality.