FRIENDS FOREVER V

I

After I took the photographs at the film festivals at National Sava Giha, 2010, one girl came near to me and said, “Excuse Me.”

“Yes.”

“Hi. I am Merina Shrestha.”

“Hi.”

“Actually, can you take my photos?”

I couldn’t say no and clicked her photos. Actually, I didn’t want to take her photos as at the beginning, I felt awkward. After clicking her photos, I looked at her photos, I found her photogenic. Although, she was beautiful, she was beautiful in the photos.  After photos, she came near to me and said, “How can I get my photos?”

“Can you provide me your email address?”

“Sure.”

At the same day, I send the photos of hers. Moreover, she sent me an email by mentioning thank you and she requested me a friend request in the Facebook. I accepted her friend request. After this, both of us life was about to be changed.

We became good friends. Everyday, we used to chat and share everything with each other. At that time, I used to love someone and she knew about it. I had never expressed my feelings towards him. I was fear of losing a good friend. More than that, I have the fear of rejection. I didn’t want he will say: whether he has a girlfriend or not.

Once, when we speaking on phone, she said, “Did you talk to him?”

“No.”

“Please, talk to him and share your feelings. If you don’t share, you will feel guilty for long period of time. “

“I cannot. I have fear of losing him as a good friend.”

“You will not lose him as a good friend. Just say. Whether you are rejected or not, you will not feel guilty for long period of time.  Say to him that how much you love him. Go and tell.”

I agreed with her.

Although, she used to convince me for expressing my love, I was the one who couldn’t express my love. Since 2008, I had fallen in love with him but wasn’t able to express him how much I love him.

Life was moving on and I completed my Bachelor’s Degree in 2011 in January and after one month I joined Master’s Degree. And she was doing volunteers in different places. She was active and adventurous, while I was book lovers and used to be less active while going out. After meeting her, I started going out and started my life. She was the one who taught me how to smile and how to live a life. She had made me visit different places of Kathmandu. I have reached so many places after I met her.

Later, he too came in the same college where I joined. I was happy that he too came in the college and shared this to Merina and she was too happy but sad too. She was sad because I was not expressing my feelings and was scared that he could reject me because I am emotions and cannot handle the rejection.

II

The year 2014, I will never forget this year. This year was worst year for me. It was June 20, 2014, I was looking at the Facebook and saw his wedding photos and I was shocked.  I was looking at his photos and cried. And I called her and said everything to her.

“You could have told about your feelings to him. I have told you to speak but you were waiting and waiting. Now, he got married with somebody else. At least, you could spoke. \now, please don’t cry and meet me.”

At that time, I was in the final progress of thesis and I was not focus.  Merina and I met in Universal Cafe, Sukedhara. She was observing me and she said, “Please, don’t be sad. You will get a nice guy much better guy than him. Please focus on your life. Look at yourself. What have you done with your life? You are not taking care of yourself.”

Tears rolled from my eyes. “You know, it has been five and half year, I was in love with him but was not letting him know. He was my true love. When I saw his wedding photos, I couldn’t handle myself. I was lost my world and sad songs have become my best friends. You were right. I could have told him about my feelings. Now, I felt guilty for not expressing my love. What should I do now?”

I was crying and hugged her and she was convincing me not to cry and focus on life. She was the one who stood behind me and was helping me to come out from the tragedy of love life. She used to take me out in different places and was not leaving me alone. She wanted to smile and wanted to bring my life back.

III

After three weeks of his wedding, I completed my Master’s Degree thesis. She was happy and said, “Congrats dear. Proud of you. Now, what’s your plan?”

“To search the job and I needed your help.”

“ Sure. She said.

“Thanks dear. Thank you for being with me. If you weren’t with me, I couldn’t have completed my thesis. In this moment, if you weren’t with me, what could I do? Thanks for being with me. Although, I don’t deserve to be your good friend, you will be always my good friend. I often irritate you and sorry for that.”

“What are you saying, dear? You are a good friend. You deserve to be a good friend. By the way, you don’t irritate me. It’s me who irritates. Got it, miss. Now smile and wanna go out?”

“Sure.”

III

It was 1^st August, 2014. It was the worst day for me. We made a plan to go Kakani in the morning. She came to pick up in Gopi Krishna Hall around 7:30 pm and reached there within two hours. We stayed there in the hotel and viewed the place. While, we were looking at the view, I said, “Thanks, dear. Thank you for bringing me here. Actually, I really needed a break. I was disturbed.”

“Don’t say thank you. I knew you needed a break so I brought you here. I can understand you. You know you are a nice person from your heart. You are full of emotions and innocent.  Sometimes, I am scared that people will misuse you because you cannot say no to anyone and you cannot see people in trouble. Sometimes, you need to say no. Mark my word, next time, please don’t be easily available to anyone because they might misuse and go away. Got my point.”

I nodded my head. We really enjoy the place especially me. After one and half month, I was out of the world and there was change. She really was happy for me.

Meanwhile, I asked her, “Did you deactivate your Facebook?”

“Yes.”

“But why?”

“Nowadays, I hate using Facebook. So, I deactivated my Facebook account.”

“How many times will you deactivate your Facebook?”

“Don’t know.”

And we both smiled and started eating Mo:mo and started various food. Around two, we left the place. She dropped me in Gopi Krishna and went from there. She used to live in Lalitpur and was returning. While she was returning back, in Koteshwor, microbus hit her scooter and local people took her to the hospital.

After few hours, I rang her phone and her sister picked up her and she told me everything. I cried a lot on this day. Although, I went to the hospital, I couldn’t see her death body.

After her death, I was again lost. I couldn’t handle myself. I felt I lost everything. I felt guilty because of me, she died. She went with me because of my happiness. I tear all her pictures because whenever I used to see her pictures, I could feel guilty that I was a killed.  I couldn’t show my sadness to anybody. I used to give people fake smile. But when at night time, I used to listen sad songs and used to cry whole night. Even in the bathroom, I used to cry a lot by blaming myself that I killed my friend. This continued for almost eight months. For eight months, I was crying whole night and blaming myself. My mood switched on and off most of the time. Without reason, I used to get angry and started speaking unnecessarily. I started becoming rude with the people without reason. I was totally changed.

IV

Dear Merina,

Happy Friendship Day, dear.  Although, you are not with me, your memories are with me. It has been two years that you are not with me. Still, I feel lonely. In these tow years, how I lived I really don't know. I have stopped smiling and I have forgotten my real smile. The fake smile has become my signature smile. After your death, my happiness and smile have gone with you and I have stopped living my life. 

You were the best friend of mine. You were the one who could understand me easily and knew my weakness and strengthen. You had a faith on me that I could do something. You knew I was the best. You grew my confident. Whenever, I used to go for the interview, you used to teach me how to speak and what to do and grew my confident.

When I failed in the job interview, I used to be fed up but you were to encourage me and not to give up. You knew that I can do much better. I still remember the day when I had an interview in one of the magazines in 2011, you said, “If you are rejected in the job interview, then, don’t be fed up. Rejection teaches you to grow and learn your mistakes. There are lots of people who are rejected but have succeeded in their life. There are lots of people who are in the interview and one has to get the job and another has to be rejected so, don’t panic yourself. You should trust yourself and move on with your life. Good Luck. “

Those words had really inspired me to move ahead. Although, there were lots of rejection in the interview and I didn’t get jobs in many places where I applied. Sometimes, I used to fed up but yours words made me that I can do something.

There are other factors that I really loved about. One was that you used to be happy small matters too. To smile and be happy, you don’t need a big issue but one can be happy in small matter. This is taught by and you don’t need a reason to happy. You used to love ice cream in the rain fall. At the first, I used to hate it but later, with you I started liking it. More than that, I never knew travelling could be so much fun but you made me to love it. After meeting you, I started liking travelling and go out and enjoy the life.

There are so many good things about you which I cannot explain. You never got irritate by me and never got bored with me. I know that I am boring and I irritate people but you were never fed up with me. I find myself horrible. You knew that sometimes I used to behave abnormally and I was crazy.You loved me for what I am and never complained about my character.  You were a true friend of mine.

Whenever, I was in the need of you, you were there. When my heart was broken, you were there. When I was rejected many times in job interview and was fed up, you were there. Whenever, I was not feeling well, you used to call me and asked me how I was feeling. You used to take care of mine.

It has been two years, you have left me. Whenever, I remember or talk about you, I get emotional and get lost on you. Your absence really kills me. When I see other people with their friends, I feel jealous and remember you. I feel guilty that I don’t a have friend and remember you. I wish you could come back to my life and have fun in the life. Life without you is like fish without water and life without any hope. 

I know you cannot come back but I have your memories and I am trying to be good human beings and I will remember you forever. There are lots of friends who come in your life but few of them will stay in your heart and among them you are the one. I don’t know whether I was good friend or not but you were good friend of mine. Love you forever and never forget you. Once again, Happy Friendship Day.

                                                                                              Yours Friend

                                                                                                Aneeta Dahal