GUILT
It was Saturday 11:30 am. I was checking emails. Every Saturday, I had the habitual of checking emails of my fans and interacting with them. While checking emails, I got one of the interesting email which was send by Ravi Sharma which mentioned:-
Dear Writer,
I am your fan and I love your articles and short stories. More than that, I am big fan of your novels. But I am not sending you this email to say good things about you to say about myself.
I am sending you this email from hospital. Yes, I am in Om Nursing Hospital bed number 256 for 4 days. I am in hospital because of myself. I don't have anyone to listen my story. So, I thought you could listen my story. Hope, you will come to meet me.
See you soon
Ravi Sharma
Although, I was not shocked, thought came in my mind that whether this guy wanted to publish the story. This types of email do come but this email had something which made me to meet him which made me curious to meet this guy. So, I went to Om Nursing Hospital. I asked the receptionist where the bed number 256 and she showed me and I thanked her and went to meet him.
He was lying on the bed. I went near to him and said, "Ravi."
He opened his eyes and looked at me. "Are you the writer?"
"Yes."
He, then, tried to wake up and I helped him to do so by making pillows. He said, "I thought you won't come to visit me."
"Why did you think so?"
"You might not believe me."
We both remained silent. I gave a look at him. He was feeling so low and serious too. His face made me more curious to know what had happened in his past life. With the curious, I said,"You said you had a story to tell."
"Yes, but are you sure to listen."
"Yes, but I want to know why me?"
"I heard people that you are a nice person. You interact with all your fans. You don't discriminate any fans. You listen to your all fans."
That was true. I love interacting with all my fans. If I didn't response to them, I used to feel guilty. So, I love to share and interact their ideas.
"So, what's your story."
I
I was born and brought up in the village. I was the youngest child. Before me, I had one sister and one brother. Although, I was pampered child, I was bright, decent and obedient student. I used to be the first in each and every examination. More than that, I used to take part in every activities and was awarded in each and every activities.
Time was passing and I was grown up. I completed my plus two in Science from Biratnagar. I wanted to join Bachelor's Degree in IT so, I came to Kathmandu. I was new in this place. I started living in the rent in Thamel. I got admission in one of the best college of Kathmandu for IT.
After joining the college, I became friend with Amit and Shirish. We became very good friends within few days. We used to have good times and used to do lots of fun.
After three months, there was welcome and farewell program. I reached the college before the time. I was waiting for my friends- Amit and Shirish. While waiting for them, I saw one of the girl coming near to me. She was wearing red t-shirt and black pant. She had straight medium hair. She had beautiful shiny eyes and fair skin. She came near to me and smiled at me. I too smiled back. She was not that much beautiful but there was something about her which attract me and made to look at her.
She was sitting near to me and said,"Hasn't the program started?"
"No."
After half an hour, the program was organized. I was not concentrated on the program but was rather focus on her. Later, I was able to know her name: Angelina Shrestha, 5th Semester. After the formal program was over, there was the dance program. She was dancing. My eyes were on her only. I pretended that I was with my friends but my soul and my mind were on her.
II
The next day, I was in the library and was studying. Meanwhile somebody came and said,"Excuse Me."
I looked at the person. The person was none other than Angelina. I was excited but didn't show it and said,"Yes."
"Can I sit nearby you?"
"Sure."
And she sat nearby me. She took the book and started studying. Meanwhile, I was looking at her in every second. I wanted to talk with her but couldn't. After one hour, I gave a dare to speak with her, "Excuse Me."
"Yes," she said with a smile.
I was flatter with her smile.
"Can I know which semester are you?"
"5th Semester. And you?"
"1st Semester."
Both smiled with each other and she looked at her book. But I started looking at her. After few minutes, I again, said, "Last time, you looked beautiful in the farewell and welcome program. "
"Thanks."
"I even clicked your photos."
Meanwhile, I thought I shouldn't have said this.
"Oh, really? Can I look at those photos?"
Thank God, she wasn't angry. "Sure."
I again said, "Thank you."
"For what?"
"I thought you could be angry by taking your photos."
"Oh, come on. Why should I be angry?"
And I open my laptop and showed her pictures. She loved the photos taken by me and was happy for it.
After this, we became friends. I used to discuss about the subject matter and she used to help me out. She was the brilliant student and was the topper of the college. Although, we became good friends, we never discussed about the personal matter with each other. I never dare to ask her about her personal matter. But to tell the fact, I started to fall in love with her. I knew she was senior to me but love doesn't see those matters. I didn't know how to express my feelings but later I made a plan to let her know about my feelings after 1st Semester exam completion as exam was coming near.
III
The exam was over and we had two weeks vacation. I was happy. So, I called Angelina.
"Hello."
"Good. And you."
"Me too."
"Actually, can we meet tomorrow?"
"Why tomorrow?"
"Actually, it's my birthday so I want my friend to be with me."
"Sure. No problem."
I will never forget this date. It was July 6, 2012. I was waiting for her at Hotel Himalayan as she called me there. It was around 6:35 pm, she finally arrived and came near to me and said,"Happy Birthday."
"Thanks." And we both sat on the sofa.
We both remain silent after ordering two cup coffee. After 10 minutes, coffee came and after few slip, I said, "Angelina, I want to say something."
"Sure, tell me."
"I......."
"What I?"
"I am in love with you, Angelina."
"What?" And she got up.
She was in angry mood and I too got up and said,"Sorry, if I hurt you. But since I saw you, I fell in love with you. The more I came near to you, I fell especial attraction. I really love you, Angelina."
She looked at me and she said,"How dare you to propose me? I know I am friendly, it doesn't mean that I am in love with you. I have never thought you in the same way."
For the moment, I thought I shouldn't propose her. Meanwhile, somebody came and called Angelina. She went near to him and was mood off. That guy came near to me and said, "How dare you to propose my girlfriend? Don't you know who am I? I am the President of the Youth Club of College." He started arguing with me.
After this, she had stopped talking with me. Whenever, I went near to her, her boyfriend used to come near to me and used to argue with me. She never picked up my phone and never replied my message. My anger was increasing day by day.
IV
I was in 2nd Semester. To tell the truth, I became irregular to college. My two friends were shocked. I was doing well in 1st Semester and was suddenly changed. They came to meet in my home but I was not found in the home either. Nobody knew where I was.
After three months, I was in the college. Amit and Shirish were happy to see me as well as shocked to see me in different condition. I was thin as I have lost my weight. I looked sleepy. My eye's circle was blue and dark.
When we were in canteen, I almost smoked 2 packet of cigarette. Amit and Shirish were shocked to see me smoking as they have never seen me smoking. Meanwhile, Amit said,"Hey, Ravi what had happened to you? You seemed disturb and you have changed. In the class, you are not focus. What's wrong with you, friend?"
I kept my cigarette in the astray and said,"I want to kill and destroy somebody."
"What? What did you say?"
"Nothing." And I went from there.
V
September 15, 2012, 7:30 pm. She was going at Universal Cafe, Sukedhara. Meanwhile, she returned back and saw nobody. Again, she moved ahead and again she heard the footstep and turned back. She again saw nobody. Although, she was scared, she finally reached Universal Cafe. When she was sitting on the chair, she turned back. She saw me and said,"You?"
I kept my hand on her mouth and took her in the corner place where nobody could see her. She tried to shout and bite but couldn't.
"You have to listen to me. I really love you. I don't know what happens to me whenever I see you. I get lost wherever I see you. You have something that attracts me. I see you everywhere. I am crazy about you. But when I knew you have a boyfriend, I didn't know what to do. I was restless. Many times, I had a thought to kill him and make you mine, only mine."
She was about to say something but couldn't. I was happy to see her in this condition.
VI
The next day, we both didn't attend the lecture. She was in the last semester and her exam was coming near. To tell the truth, I spoil her life. In Universal Cafe, she was waiting for her boyfriend but I raped her. I took in the roof where nobody could see her and raped her. She tried a lot to save herself but I forced her. Due to this reason, she didn't attend the classes.
After this incident, I often used to blackmailed her and she was frustrated. She was really frustrated. She was scared of loosing her boyfriend and was scared of spoiling her career.
After two weeks, we met at Shankar Park. She said,"Please, stop blackmailing me. Please, leave my life. I want to focus on my career and don't spoil my relationship."
"I am really sorry, Angelina. I was unfair with you. I had done a sin and hurt. To tell the truth, I really loved you. I want to make you mine, only mine.For the first time, when I saw you, I feel a kind of attraction and to get you, I did wrong decision and raped you."
When I said rape, there were tears in her eyes. I looked at her and said,"I am really sorry. Live your life. In front of you, I am deleting the video of you and mine. Be happy and go ahead. "
I deleted all those stuffs and went. She was in the tears. I looked at her and smiled. But she didn't know what;s going in the mind of mine.
VII
Her last semester was over and after one month, there was farewell program at City Banquet at Naxal. I was waiting for this day. For one month, we weren't in touch. It was my plan not to be in touch with her.
It was 6:30 pm. All the formal program was finished and we were dancing. I was looking at her. She was with her boyfriend sitting in the corner. I was putting eyes on her. After few minutes, she went outside. I looked around and I too went outside. I followed her. She was standing outside. As I went near to her, she said,"Ankit." And she turned back and saw me and said, "You?"
I blocked her mouth and took her where nobody could find us. I again tried to rape her. She pushed me and said,"Your are really cheap. Now, I understood that why you said sorry. I hate you whatever you had dome to me. You are shameless. I have no words to say to you."
She was in tears. I went near to her and she begging me not to come near to her. But I pulled her near to her and raped her again and went from there.
The next day, it was near 7:30 pm and I was at dance bar. Meanwhile, Angelina's boyfriend came near to me and said,"Because of you, my girlfriend committed suicide. You raped her thousands of times and blackmailed her. Not only, you made her video. She couldn't tolerate it and committed suicide. I will kill you. "
He pushed me and I fell down. I was in high temper and got up and saw bottle on table and with that bottle, I threw on his head. He even threw on me. We had a huge fight on that day. We both were in blood. More than me, he was in full blood. He, then, slowly, unconscious and I again threw bottle on him and he died on the spot.
I had blackmailed her not to mention about our relationship to her boyfriend and with others. If she had told, I could put it on the net and could do whatever I say. I called her in different places and slept with her and I had taken her photos each and every time. Due to this reason, she didn't complain on the police station. But she mentioned those things in suicide note.
****** *****************************
Ravi was silent and I could see tears in his eyes. He was crying as if he hadn't cried for the long period of time. I was surprised and said," Why did you do those things? You spoiled your life. Not only this, you are a killer. If you had loved Angelina truly, you haven't killed her. What made you criminal?"
"I shouldn't have done this. After she rejected me, I was depressed. I was lost. My friend Sonam was observing me. One day, he said,"Why are you so upset? I have been observing you for long period of time. What has happened to you?"
I explained everything to him. After listening to my story, he said,"I have one solution for this problem."
"Solution but what kind of?"
"Meet me at Shankar Park in the evening. You will know everything."
From that day, I was involved in drugs. At first, I didn't know what was I doing but Sonam encouraged me to do. Slowly and slowly, I became addict of it. Not only this, he took me in dance bar and I slept with many girls. Nobody knew about drug addiction and dance bar.
I was spoiled than. When ever, I used to see Angelina and her boyfriend, I used to feel jealous. Although, I slept and raped her, I couldn't make her mine.
Who brought you here?"
"Police. After I killed Angelina's boyfriend. Police were in search of me after Angelina's death. I don't know who called the police in dance bar."
He was silent and looked at me. When he looked at me, he had guilt in his eyes, He, then, said,"Sir, you don't know why I called you?"
"Why?"
"I started feeling guilty everyday. Why was I involved in drugs? Why did I kill Angelina and Ankit? I am dying of guilt day by day. I want to feel relief from pain. Due to my own reason. my life is spoiled now. I had lots of pain so, I wanted to share with you. Not because to publish the story but to share my life which I spoiled.
The love I have done to Angelina is not love. It's obsession and craziness. If I had loved her, I could have done anything for her happiness but most of the time, I tortured her. For my own sake, I used her and destroyed her. I will not be forgiven by anyone else. Not even by God."
After listening to him, I didn't have anything to say and went from there. When I reached home, I didn't know what to do- whether to publish the story or not. I was confused. Honestly speaking, I was touched by the story as there was love, hate, murder and betray. Finally, I planned to publish the story as I have never written such stories.
Furthermore, I felt bad for Angelina and Ankit who couldn't bear such things. If Ravi was in right track, the life of them could be better and could have beautiful life. There could have been going good on their life.
Dear Writer,
I am your fan and I love your articles and short stories. More than that, I am big fan of your novels. But I am not sending you this email to say good things about you to say about myself.
I am sending you this email from hospital. Yes, I am in Om Nursing Hospital bed number 256 for 4 days. I am in hospital because of myself. I don't have anyone to listen my story. So, I thought you could listen my story. Hope, you will come to meet me.
See you soon
Ravi Sharma
Although, I was not shocked, thought came in my mind that whether this guy wanted to publish the story. This types of email do come but this email had something which made me to meet him which made me curious to meet this guy. So, I went to Om Nursing Hospital. I asked the receptionist where the bed number 256 and she showed me and I thanked her and went to meet him.
He was lying on the bed. I went near to him and said, "Ravi."
He opened his eyes and looked at me. "Are you the writer?"
"Yes."
He, then, tried to wake up and I helped him to do so by making pillows. He said, "I thought you won't come to visit me."
"Why did you think so?"
"You might not believe me."
We both remained silent. I gave a look at him. He was feeling so low and serious too. His face made me more curious to know what had happened in his past life. With the curious, I said,"You said you had a story to tell."
"Yes, but are you sure to listen."
"Yes, but I want to know why me?"
"I heard people that you are a nice person. You interact with all your fans. You don't discriminate any fans. You listen to your all fans."
That was true. I love interacting with all my fans. If I didn't response to them, I used to feel guilty. So, I love to share and interact their ideas.
"So, what's your story."
I
I was born and brought up in the village. I was the youngest child. Before me, I had one sister and one brother. Although, I was pampered child, I was bright, decent and obedient student. I used to be the first in each and every examination. More than that, I used to take part in every activities and was awarded in each and every activities.
Time was passing and I was grown up. I completed my plus two in Science from Biratnagar. I wanted to join Bachelor's Degree in IT so, I came to Kathmandu. I was new in this place. I started living in the rent in Thamel. I got admission in one of the best college of Kathmandu for IT.
After joining the college, I became friend with Amit and Shirish. We became very good friends within few days. We used to have good times and used to do lots of fun.
After three months, there was welcome and farewell program. I reached the college before the time. I was waiting for my friends- Amit and Shirish. While waiting for them, I saw one of the girl coming near to me. She was wearing red t-shirt and black pant. She had straight medium hair. She had beautiful shiny eyes and fair skin. She came near to me and smiled at me. I too smiled back. She was not that much beautiful but there was something about her which attract me and made to look at her.
She was sitting near to me and said,"Hasn't the program started?"
"No."
After half an hour, the program was organized. I was not concentrated on the program but was rather focus on her. Later, I was able to know her name: Angelina Shrestha, 5th Semester. After the formal program was over, there was the dance program. She was dancing. My eyes were on her only. I pretended that I was with my friends but my soul and my mind were on her.
II
The next day, I was in the library and was studying. Meanwhile somebody came and said,"Excuse Me."
I looked at the person. The person was none other than Angelina. I was excited but didn't show it and said,"Yes."
"Can I sit nearby you?"
"Sure."
And she sat nearby me. She took the book and started studying. Meanwhile, I was looking at her in every second. I wanted to talk with her but couldn't. After one hour, I gave a dare to speak with her, "Excuse Me."
"Yes," she said with a smile.
I was flatter with her smile.
"Can I know which semester are you?"
"5th Semester. And you?"
"1st Semester."
Both smiled with each other and she looked at her book. But I started looking at her. After few minutes, I again, said, "Last time, you looked beautiful in the farewell and welcome program. "
"Thanks."
"I even clicked your photos."
Meanwhile, I thought I shouldn't have said this.
"Oh, really? Can I look at those photos?"
Thank God, she wasn't angry. "Sure."
I again said, "Thank you."
"For what?"
"I thought you could be angry by taking your photos."
"Oh, come on. Why should I be angry?"
And I open my laptop and showed her pictures. She loved the photos taken by me and was happy for it.
After this, we became friends. I used to discuss about the subject matter and she used to help me out. She was the brilliant student and was the topper of the college. Although, we became good friends, we never discussed about the personal matter with each other. I never dare to ask her about her personal matter. But to tell the fact, I started to fall in love with her. I knew she was senior to me but love doesn't see those matters. I didn't know how to express my feelings but later I made a plan to let her know about my feelings after 1st Semester exam completion as exam was coming near.
III
The exam was over and we had two weeks vacation. I was happy. So, I called Angelina.
"Hello."
"Good. And you."
"Me too."
"Actually, can we meet tomorrow?"
"Why tomorrow?"
"Actually, it's my birthday so I want my friend to be with me."
"Sure. No problem."
I will never forget this date. It was July 6, 2012. I was waiting for her at Hotel Himalayan as she called me there. It was around 6:35 pm, she finally arrived and came near to me and said,"Happy Birthday."
"Thanks." And we both sat on the sofa.
We both remain silent after ordering two cup coffee. After 10 minutes, coffee came and after few slip, I said, "Angelina, I want to say something."
"Sure, tell me."
"I......."
"What I?"
"I am in love with you, Angelina."
"What?" And she got up.
She was in angry mood and I too got up and said,"Sorry, if I hurt you. But since I saw you, I fell in love with you. The more I came near to you, I fell especial attraction. I really love you, Angelina."
She looked at me and she said,"How dare you to propose me? I know I am friendly, it doesn't mean that I am in love with you. I have never thought you in the same way."
For the moment, I thought I shouldn't propose her. Meanwhile, somebody came and called Angelina. She went near to him and was mood off. That guy came near to me and said, "How dare you to propose my girlfriend? Don't you know who am I? I am the President of the Youth Club of College." He started arguing with me.
After this, she had stopped talking with me. Whenever, I went near to her, her boyfriend used to come near to me and used to argue with me. She never picked up my phone and never replied my message. My anger was increasing day by day.
IV
I was in 2nd Semester. To tell the truth, I became irregular to college. My two friends were shocked. I was doing well in 1st Semester and was suddenly changed. They came to meet in my home but I was not found in the home either. Nobody knew where I was.
After three months, I was in the college. Amit and Shirish were happy to see me as well as shocked to see me in different condition. I was thin as I have lost my weight. I looked sleepy. My eye's circle was blue and dark.
When we were in canteen, I almost smoked 2 packet of cigarette. Amit and Shirish were shocked to see me smoking as they have never seen me smoking. Meanwhile, Amit said,"Hey, Ravi what had happened to you? You seemed disturb and you have changed. In the class, you are not focus. What's wrong with you, friend?"
I kept my cigarette in the astray and said,"I want to kill and destroy somebody."
"What? What did you say?"
"Nothing." And I went from there.
V
September 15, 2012, 7:30 pm. She was going at Universal Cafe, Sukedhara. Meanwhile, she returned back and saw nobody. Again, she moved ahead and again she heard the footstep and turned back. She again saw nobody. Although, she was scared, she finally reached Universal Cafe. When she was sitting on the chair, she turned back. She saw me and said,"You?"
I kept my hand on her mouth and took her in the corner place where nobody could see her. She tried to shout and bite but couldn't.
"You have to listen to me. I really love you. I don't know what happens to me whenever I see you. I get lost wherever I see you. You have something that attracts me. I see you everywhere. I am crazy about you. But when I knew you have a boyfriend, I didn't know what to do. I was restless. Many times, I had a thought to kill him and make you mine, only mine."
She was about to say something but couldn't. I was happy to see her in this condition.
VI
The next day, we both didn't attend the lecture. She was in the last semester and her exam was coming near. To tell the truth, I spoil her life. In Universal Cafe, she was waiting for her boyfriend but I raped her. I took in the roof where nobody could see her and raped her. She tried a lot to save herself but I forced her. Due to this reason, she didn't attend the classes.
After this incident, I often used to blackmailed her and she was frustrated. She was really frustrated. She was scared of loosing her boyfriend and was scared of spoiling her career.
After two weeks, we met at Shankar Park. She said,"Please, stop blackmailing me. Please, leave my life. I want to focus on my career and don't spoil my relationship."
"I am really sorry, Angelina. I was unfair with you. I had done a sin and hurt. To tell the truth, I really loved you. I want to make you mine, only mine.For the first time, when I saw you, I feel a kind of attraction and to get you, I did wrong decision and raped you."
When I said rape, there were tears in her eyes. I looked at her and said,"I am really sorry. Live your life. In front of you, I am deleting the video of you and mine. Be happy and go ahead. "
I deleted all those stuffs and went. She was in the tears. I looked at her and smiled. But she didn't know what;s going in the mind of mine.
VII
Her last semester was over and after one month, there was farewell program at City Banquet at Naxal. I was waiting for this day. For one month, we weren't in touch. It was my plan not to be in touch with her.
It was 6:30 pm. All the formal program was finished and we were dancing. I was looking at her. She was with her boyfriend sitting in the corner. I was putting eyes on her. After few minutes, she went outside. I looked around and I too went outside. I followed her. She was standing outside. As I went near to her, she said,"Ankit." And she turned back and saw me and said, "You?"
I blocked her mouth and took her where nobody could find us. I again tried to rape her. She pushed me and said,"Your are really cheap. Now, I understood that why you said sorry. I hate you whatever you had dome to me. You are shameless. I have no words to say to you."
She was in tears. I went near to her and she begging me not to come near to her. But I pulled her near to her and raped her again and went from there.
The next day, it was near 7:30 pm and I was at dance bar. Meanwhile, Angelina's boyfriend came near to me and said,"Because of you, my girlfriend committed suicide. You raped her thousands of times and blackmailed her. Not only, you made her video. She couldn't tolerate it and committed suicide. I will kill you. "
He pushed me and I fell down. I was in high temper and got up and saw bottle on table and with that bottle, I threw on his head. He even threw on me. We had a huge fight on that day. We both were in blood. More than me, he was in full blood. He, then, slowly, unconscious and I again threw bottle on him and he died on the spot.
I had blackmailed her not to mention about our relationship to her boyfriend and with others. If she had told, I could put it on the net and could do whatever I say. I called her in different places and slept with her and I had taken her photos each and every time. Due to this reason, she didn't complain on the police station. But she mentioned those things in suicide note.
****** *****************************
Ravi was silent and I could see tears in his eyes. He was crying as if he hadn't cried for the long period of time. I was surprised and said," Why did you do those things? You spoiled your life. Not only this, you are a killer. If you had loved Angelina truly, you haven't killed her. What made you criminal?"
"I shouldn't have done this. After she rejected me, I was depressed. I was lost. My friend Sonam was observing me. One day, he said,"Why are you so upset? I have been observing you for long period of time. What has happened to you?"
I explained everything to him. After listening to my story, he said,"I have one solution for this problem."
"Solution but what kind of?"
"Meet me at Shankar Park in the evening. You will know everything."
From that day, I was involved in drugs. At first, I didn't know what was I doing but Sonam encouraged me to do. Slowly and slowly, I became addict of it. Not only this, he took me in dance bar and I slept with many girls. Nobody knew about drug addiction and dance bar.
I was spoiled than. When ever, I used to see Angelina and her boyfriend, I used to feel jealous. Although, I slept and raped her, I couldn't make her mine.
Who brought you here?"
"Police. After I killed Angelina's boyfriend. Police were in search of me after Angelina's death. I don't know who called the police in dance bar."
He was silent and looked at me. When he looked at me, he had guilt in his eyes, He, then, said,"Sir, you don't know why I called you?"
"Why?"
"I started feeling guilty everyday. Why was I involved in drugs? Why did I kill Angelina and Ankit? I am dying of guilt day by day. I want to feel relief from pain. Due to my own reason. my life is spoiled now. I had lots of pain so, I wanted to share with you. Not because to publish the story but to share my life which I spoiled.
The love I have done to Angelina is not love. It's obsession and craziness. If I had loved her, I could have done anything for her happiness but most of the time, I tortured her. For my own sake, I used her and destroyed her. I will not be forgiven by anyone else. Not even by God."
After listening to him, I didn't have anything to say and went from there. When I reached home, I didn't know what to do- whether to publish the story or not. I was confused. Honestly speaking, I was touched by the story as there was love, hate, murder and betray. Finally, I planned to publish the story as I have never written such stories.
Furthermore, I felt bad for Angelina and Ankit who couldn't bear such things. If Ravi was in right track, the life of them could be better and could have beautiful life. There could have been going good on their life.
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